Shaky Ground

written Aug 31, 2008, during insomniatic wakening

There are layers.

My truth is only one view through a convoluted, rippled memory.

As a child, my experiences and observations came with no contextual identifiers.  Even reactions were downplayed and re-assigned in acquiescence to an elder's (church's) desires.

In what format does a child live?  One person's most tragic day could be another's fantasy castle.

Pastelsplitself_2 The fact of some tragedy (ies) does not rob a child of their memorial joy, but it does cast a long shadow on their psychological future.

Sensory triggers are psychoneuroimmunilogical and those re-wired synapses cannot be re-instated to their seminal semantics.

This time of personal archetype development can overrun the soul.  Souls become lost in the netherworld of loss.

While surrounded by birds chirping in the clear blue sky, this, my tattered soul, is grasping at slippery roots to regain a sense of solid footing.

Shall it come to pass?

In my life, moments glimmer with mica-glittered foundation stones, until a new tremor comes along - it is hard to stand on such shaky ground.

What are my "seismic" pre-tremor shocks?

- thick, twisty "devil" eyebrows

- greasy, slicked-back, receding hair

- fishhooks

- knobs turning under a porch awning

- jelly

- banana seat bikes

- flyswatters (especially if shaped like a butterfly)

- keys or money being jangled in a pocket

- creaky swings

- fish eggs pouring from a fresh fish

- black, glossy tarmac from the glare of the sun

- dirty fingernails

- vans with no back seats

- trailers

- pencils

- having my head pushed down

- "Good Girl"

- religion

- blankets too light to feel "safe"

- the urge to pee at night and the danger of going to the nearest bathroom

Raggedy_digital Images:

Image 1 - above - "Split Self", pastel on paper, 32"h x 24"w, 2006.

Image 2 - immediate left - "Your Story Begins At Home", Found Object/Altered Doll Sculpture, Self Portrait, 42" h x 16"w x 17"d, 2006.

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Sketchbook Notes: 2000, words & excerpts

I am excavating some old sketchbooks while cleaning/unloading the new studio; here are some words/phrases I found in my 2000 Sketchbook: descending day ceremony of souls chant mortal garden shadow of sounds the still hour synagogue of the ear of the corn unmourning water beckon my birthday began in water This side of the truth dust of the dead a girl mad as birds the guilty dark possessed by the skies the sun's tears the moon's seeds love broken wide displaced truth beneath my life she walks the dust pyre the woman in shades these are NOT my words, I am trying to cross-reference my book journal to see what book(s) I was reading at this time so that I can give credit to the appropriate author - but in no way am I claiming these are my phrases; I now am smart enough to initial it if it is my writing/original thought and to reference excerpts as I take notes . . . (Shown is a work I did during this time-period, "Cadence III", oil/watercolor/paper/antique fabric, antique frame, now in the collection of Professor Lisa Rollins of Middle Tennessee State University).  About 24" X 18".    
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